Guilt is my middle name. Sometimes I feel my mind is a coven of dark thoughts. I’m the queen of the place called overthinking!

If there is an Oscar for overthinking I am definitely topping the chart

So, I rise up every morning and have anxiety and panic attacks. It is the reason I don’t smile anymore.

Insecurity knocks my door every day and wears a mask of a happy relationship.

I am angry and frustrated all the time. I don’t feel like talking to anyone and I definitely don’t like being criticized for this.

My mood changes more than you blink.

I had started to hate myself because of how uncertain I had become. I prayed and prayed to help me understand what I want and if there is actually somebody on this planet who would bear me happily?

Days turned to months and then years, many seasons also passed by but I kept praying until my Guardian Angel came in and restored my faith.

It all looks like a dream to me now, but I do remember some parts of it. She said I’m a tangled mess. And I would need a person who finds this mess beautiful enough to try untying it for the rest of the life.

She said because I was pure at heart, I deserved a love that lasts forever. A love that doesn’t change until the last breath. A love that calms me and heals me of my anxieties. A love that is so secure that no doubt, envy, malice and distrust, shall ever entrance gain.

I believed her. I started living in a hope that one day I will find everything that my angel has blessed me with. When I turned 38, I saw my guardian angel again. She was exchanging gifts with daddy. I was suspicious so, I eavesdropped their conversation. My daddy paid her off so that she could give me hope to live. I was fooled to live by a lie. She was not my guardian angel, she was a Psychiatrist.

-Pooja Pariath